being open

I love being able to record Beth Moore on Wednesdays and watch her! She really is an awesome servant of the Lord! I've always loved hearing her and reading her books/studies. This past week she was talking about the confidence we have through Christ. I can't remember the scripture she used right off hand,but it was good. She talked about loosing confidence in yourself through Christ. She said it can happen for various reasons to anyone. I believe that is what is going on with me. I have no confidence in myself anymore. I don't know if that goes along with being Mommy all over again to a newborn or what? It's like I feel vulnerable,if that makes sense. Maybe it's my hormones or something adding to it. I just don't think I can do anything right. It's hard to describe,but I know that message was for me. Now, she said you have to demand it back. She talked about once when she lost confidence in herself and finally realized it. She said that she demanded it back in Jesus name and told the devil to leave her alone. Honestly, I know to do that,but I just feel weak and trampled.

It's time like this I wish I was back at Riverside and things were like they used to be,having friends around to support and encourage me. It's really hard to open up about this b/c I don't like to be a downer. I like to encourage,but I don't think I've done that in quiet some time. I used to say that was my gift,but it's not been used in quiet some time. My life overall is very happy and I'm very blessed,but it seems I have lost the joy I used to have. How do I get it back? I would say spend more time in prayer and alone with God. I would cut off my arm for that,but it seems like I can't get it. I love my children,but doing it partially alone is overbearing sometimes. Mike helps a lot,when he is home. His job is very demanding also. Among the nursing career,Law Enforcement has the 2nd highest divorce rate. It's very stressful and demanding. So when he has to go to work I let him sleep in and rest. He does the same for me when he can. So I am here a lot by myself with no family near to help. We don't live that far,but 45 minutes is far enough. I stay tired and sleepy just about every single day. Some days I'm so irritable b/c of it too. I hate it. I know it is hard for all parents,but I feel it is a little harder for us. Maybe I'm wrong or deceived? God is using Mike at his job,but I just wish sometimes he could use him elsewhere. We've talked about it numerous times too. I'm very proud of Mike and his job. He is courageous and a light to those around him on the job. Sometimes it's just hard to keep that in mind. I get bogged down and think about nothing but GOD please get us out of here. Out of the apartment,out of Mobile,out of Law Enforcement. I know life isn't easy and it's not supposed to be,I just need the attitude,confidence,and joy to bear it and deal with it.

I guess everyone gets to a point like this,more than once in their life. I'm drained. I'm exhausted. I'm just tired. Maybe it's a valley? I know in the valley there is water and green grass. I know I will make it through if I choose. I used to never understand the verses where Paul discussed being single and being able to devote more time to the Lord. I do understand it now,but I still would not trade being married and having children for it. I just have to realize serving my husband and children,is in itself serving God. Lord, HELP me to remember this and to know I am NOT failing You! I am serving You through my family! I really need to start back on my blog and get back to Thankful Thursdays and At the Well. Having positive things to read and get involved with would really help me I do believe. I would appreciate your prayers as I go through this season of life,that's what it is, a season. I'm not defeated,though I do feel defeated. God has the victory and this is a season. Seasons come and go,help me Lord to gain what YOU want me to from this season. Help my spiritual eyes to be opened to Your will and YOUR ways,not my own. Help me Lord, to realize You are over all my life and from YOU only comes from joy. Joy presses through circumstances,when happiness fades away. You are my joy, you are my strength! You have not forsaken me and you have not left me. You are wanting to carry through this. A soul only stays joyless on their own account. Help me to see all my blessings and to see I have to choose this day whom I will serve, You or myself. Help me to DIE to my flesh! Help me to rid myself of this nasty flesh that longs for MY ways and my time! It's all about You Jesus and all this is for you, for your glory and your fame. It's not about me Jesus, as if you should do things my way, You alone are God and I surrender to YOUR ways!!!

Urgent Prayer Request

A really close friend of ours find out something horrible New Year's Eve. Her husband had been seeing another woman. He didn't want to stay with her or their 2 young toddlers. It came as a complete shock to Mike and I. We know them both very well. The woman's extended family is like our own family. She needs prayers and so do her boys. They are only 3 and almost 2. They don't understand why Daddy left. He has no desire to see them or her. He needs prayers too. Pray for her Mother and brother also,they are very close to her and will be helping her financially and with everything else. They have a small goat and chicken farm they just started before he left them. I've cried and cried for her. We saw her Thursday and sorrow as well as angry rose up within me. How could someone leave their kids? They're just children. This made me realize even though I do guard my heart,I need to guard it more. Even though I do guard my marriage,I need to guard it more. Like Proverbs says, Keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life. Thank you for your prayers.

ending 2008

I've been doing some reflecting this morning on our year. It's been a trying year,but also one full of miracles. This time last year we were waiting the arrival of our little Daniel Paul. Once he came life changed,but for the good. Sometimes I long to go back to those first few weeks of Daniel's life. It was so special. Somethings I regret and others I don't. I guess that's all part of parenting,right?

Our first miracle was that we survived financially. The year 2007 was so hard for us financially. If we hadn't been children of God and received His blessings,we would have a lot of issues right now. I honestly felt like Job,ok sort of dramatic,but at times I did. Something always kept happening to us that seemed to set us back. To begin with, I really never desired to be a Mother as much as I did a wife. I heard so many horror stories about pregnancy and birth,that I had just decided that wasn't for me. So when I came up pregnant, boy did that catch me off guard. I was depressed the first month and in a daze. Sometimes I wasn't sure where the food would come from or the gas money or the money for the doctor visits. It was only God's provision that kept us a float. We stayed over with the bank though,every check almost. It was very hard on Mike,he felt like he had failed me. Wow, it was just tough. We clung to God and His Word though,along with encouragement from my wonderful group of ladies from Bloop and family. We realized that God would provide our every need according to his riches by Christ Jesus. It was hard,but we learned to trust God more and more. We finally made it to 2008,but still struggled a little to begin with. We had family to help us out and we are forever grateful.

Our second miracle was little Daniel Paul. We waited so long to see him,hold him,and kiss him. We knew he would be a very special baby. I had already had a dream about him and God gave me a verse for Daniel, I Timothy 4:12. It was so wonderful seeing him and holding him. I wasn't so scared anymore. I had asked God for peace and guidance. I survived his birth and those Mother instincts kicked right in. He has been a blessing to us. I am honored to have him as our son. He's got a lot of spunk,but I like it. It's been so neat watching him grow into the toddler (he's been taking steps for a week now) he is becoming to be. Motherhood is wonderful and challenging at the same time. I have to remember something our niece Brooke said once: God knows you can handle it or He wouldn't allow it. How many times do I forget that? Being a Mother is very challenging for me. To women it comes very natural I believe and for others you have to work at it some,I'm one of the latter. God sure is trying to rid me of my selfishness that's for sure. When I asked to be molded about 4 years ago,I didn't think it would entail some of the things I've experienced,but I've come through them by God's grace.

Another miracle is my Daddy. When my nephew,Landon,was several months old, his parents had him dedicated at their church. My Daddy showed up,which surprised us all. He'd not been to church since 1975,when my brother was born. My Mother has went all these years without him. He started coming regularly when my youngest niece,Marley, asked him what he was wearing to church one night. She went and picked out a shirt for him and told him it would be pretty for him to wear. He pretended to go to the woods to hunt,but showed up at church. That was the start of his journey. It was a shock to us all,but something we had been praying about. He had been building our Pastor's house and Bro. Don had invited him to come. He has been going every since. He said he got saved and he's really changed a lot. It's a miracle too. It's the talk of that small town,for sure. People cannot believe he's stopped cussing and is going to church. He's witnessing to the men he works with,his friends,and strangers. It's really awesome to see him that way! He's just a blue collar,hard working,country boy who can barely read,but do unbelievable math in his head. I respect him so much and really look up to him. If not for him I would not be who I am today. Mike even reminds me a lot of him too,they always say girls want someone like their Daddy.

God has done a lot for us this year. He's still testing us,which is fine,it just hurts sometimes. Okay,most of the time. I wonder sometimes why some seem to have it harder than others,but we've all got things that are hard,but they're all different. God just wants to mold us to the image of Christ. If we resist it,then it'll make it harder on us,but if we work with Him it isn't as bad. It definitely still hurts. One illustration I heard was how rocks smooth each other out. One that came to me a couple weeks ago was dealing with ironing. Clothes naturally have wrinkles in them while they are in the closet,some more than others. You use the hot iron to work them out. We're the clothes and God is the iron. He works those wrinkles out by experiences,trials,and struggles. Over all our year has been wonderful. We almost have a one year old in the house. It's really unreal sometimes. Where did the time go? Another thing I'm grateful for is the money/gift cards we received for Christmas. The great thing is we don't have to use them to make ends meet,we can actually buy other things. Thank You Lord.

Pretty much our year consisted of raising Daniel. Next year should be even funner! He's so fun,smart,and energetic. He'll be walking by his birthday I bet! It's crazy! I hope and pray your year has been great as well.

time to get real and raw

I rarely write about what I struggle with. I blame it on not wanting to look ungrateful to others or because they may want what I have,but don't have it. I am very grateful for things in my life,but sometimes my life is hard,harder than what I think it should. And that goes back to my small mind-ness. Anyways. I'm just thinking tonight and felt like writing. It's so hard to be raw and open,but when I see some of you do it, it helps me.

My husband's job can be so stressful at times. It keeps him tired and with the new 8 hour days cutting into the used-to-be 3 or 4 off days. I've mentioned before that he is a Highway Patrolman,State Trooper, or State Police(some states call them). A lot of people really don't know what their jobs are like. They have one of the highest divorce rates and no I'm not even contemplating divorce,just stating the fact. Each department is run differently. When he first moved over here the scheduling wasn't so bad. After a year almost they switched them from 10 hour to 8 hour days. The hour part is good,but also with good comes the bad. He used to have 3 or 4 days off,but now it's 1 or 2 days off. Without Daniel it wasn't as bad,but now it's bad. Some days I'm just so sick of his job and others I'm not. God uses him at his job though. I know God has us in this field for a purpose,but it's still hard sometimes. I just long for the day when we are doing something more productive,or what I think is more productive. And the *I* word can get ya in lots of trouble,so that's why I have to remind myself that God is working and has our future mapped out how HE wants it. I am assured of that because of what Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Law Enforcement families truly do go through a lot and sacrifice a lot. It's too sad most are looked at as jerks. They're human like everyone else. They can be rude or jerky at times,but it's like with Christians,they're not all that way. It's a very dangerous job too,very. Mike loves it though. I am very proud of his job and how he conducts himself,but it can just be tiring. Much like I've heard many say full time ministry can be.

We still struggle with money. I'm not sure what we're doing wrong. It's not too much of an issue because we both were not rich by any means growing up. Of course there are times that I wish I could do more,but it's not something I am stressed over. I know it does bother Mike though. I know he doesn't provide for me like he wishes he could. I have no complaints though. We have a home,food,clothes,and we get to spend on somethings we want. This has become our life verse, But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This I know most of you can relate too and for those who cannot, this is why I do not like to talk about it. I don't want to sound ungrateful at all. It is really tough being a Mother. Wow. I never knew it would be this tough. Then again I talk to some Moms and it's a breeze for them. Daniel is a high needs child. It's not a disorder or anything like that. Dr. Sears explains it like this: They need more attention from parents,more guidance in play,more of everything,but sleep that is. Wow, when I read that sentence I was relieved that there are other babies like Daniel Paul. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. When I was around my nieces at Daniel's age, they were nothing like this and that's all I had to compare too. He's a live wire. I'm constantly on the go. He doesn't like to be still for half a second. ha! My Mother said I was the exact same way. Of course he hasn't always been that way,but once he hit about 7 months wow. Life really changed. I love him so much! I am not complaining,just admitting that I struggle. Sometimes I just don't know how to handle him or how to just wind him down. Thankfully, he's started to go to bed at a decent hour,wakes up throughout the night,but that's normal. Some days it's all I can do to eat,shower,and brush my teeth. Though I know I am doing a lot of things that my SIL didn't do and even my sister isn't doing that is looked at more sacrificial on my part. I'll do anything for that child though. I guess all first time Moms just feel overwhelmed and not really confident all the time,or maybe just all Moms do?

Then it's the big one. I'm scared out of my wits to have another baby. Can I handle the pain again? Can I handle another child? I'm going to attempt a VBAC. I say attempt because that's all I can do. I can't control birth,I tried that with Daniel and well it didn't work too well. God knows what will happen and that's all I can put my trust in. But I'm such a wimp and all. It was only God I made it through 42 hours of labor! I quoted scripture over and over. Particularly, 2 because well that's all my mouth could get out ha! Those contractions were pretty intense. I'm just scared. I guess all women are. I talk to some who are not scared at all and are so confident. The lady who was my Doula has 7 kids and she's open to more always. I love watching big families,but I stress too quickly. I flip out too fast. We are by no means stopping anything God wants. I'm not on birth control (the medication) and well we get intimate when we want too pretty much. I try to chart my fertility because I would like to know when I'm fertile and ovulate,but we don't not get intimate because I may be fertile. Sorry TMI! I'm just scared. I don't want another C-section,it's safer for me not to have another one. I'm reading a great book about VBAC deliveries and it is helping,but I am still scared.

So there ya go. Some stuff I am thinking about right now or pretty lately. I know God knows this all and He has it all in His hands. Thankfully, throughout my pregnancy God taught me to really trust Him with all things. It was so hard,but I learned a little bit and am still learning. So just keep me and us in your prayers. God Bless!

What Giants Do You Face?

My morning devotion was about exhaustion,fighting,and struggles. I felt the need to share it with ya'll.

Here is the passage Beth used.

15 Moreover the Philistines had yet war again with Israel; and David went down, and his servants with him, and fought against the Philistines: and David waxed faint.
16 And Ishbibenob, which was of the sons of the giant, the weight of whose spear weighed three hundred shekels of brass in weight, he being girded with a new sword, thought to have slain David.
17 But Abishai the son of Zeruiah succoured him, and smote the Philistine, and killed him. Then the men of David sware unto him, saying, Thou shalt go no more out with us to battle, that thou quench not the light of Israel.
II Samuel 21:15-17

She talked about being tired in battle and tired of fighting the same ol' giants. The Hebrew word for exhausted is "uwph" and it means "to cover,to fly,to faint,to flee away". It reminded me of giants I have faced and continue to face. I face the giant of fear. As a child, my father watched scary movies and I watched them too. He was just fascinated with sci-fi movies and flicks. I don't remember watching them,so much at a young age,but boy I do while I was a teen. Those images come back every now and then. At one time, I was so scared I would pray myself to sleep. Fear overtook me and consumed me. I wasn't afraid during the day,but at night is when it set in. The demonic forces of evil that stems from the horror movies are so dangerous and it affected me so much. I literally was scared to walk out to the car at night and when I would close my eyes I would see horrible images. Now, it wasn't all my father's fault. I begin craving the movies. I would watch them and be thinking, what am I doing, I know I'm going to be terrified afterwards! Finally, I realized I did not need to put those movies into my mind. Why put in what terrifies me? I thought that I would battle with this forever.

Once I moved out and declared nothing scary would come across my t.v.,radio,or enter my home I saw what a difference it made in me. I'm not scared to walk around my own home at night or sleep without my husband at home. God has helped me overcome that fear,but sometimes it still arises. I quote scripture and bind the demonic forces in the name of Jesus. They have to flee at the name of Jesus! Sometimes we help bring on giants and other times it's not our fault. If you are facing giants from your past,just remeber that you have the Light of the world in you! Jesus is greater than any struggle or strong hold! In I John 4:4 it says, Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. With the Word you can overcome whatever giant is coming against you.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: I Peter 5:8 Don't give up! Keep guarding your heart and equipping yourself with the Word! We may never know why some struggles keep reappearing and other times they reappear because we did not get what God was trying to do in us. If you are weary in fighting,come to the Lord. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30 You can slay the giant just as David did. Just go to God! Which giants do you need to slay today?

being seflish

Ok, I'm here to be honest and raw again. I am getting better at this, I believe.

I know everyone struggles with selfishness,it's our human nature too. I had no idea how much unselfish I would have to be with a baby. I'm not saying that in a bad way,but it's true. If any of you have babies, you know what I mean. I heard a man on a radio program a few weeks ago say this pertaining to God and children: God is chipping away at our selfishness, He is trying to rid us of our self-absorption. I didn't hear that until I had my baby boy though. That really hit me. I was like Wow. Okay. How selfish I have been!

Sometimes I just want me time,I want to be able to do the things I did prior to baby. By this I mean things around the house. Oh I used to keep my house clean and spotless. I used to be able to sit and read for hours. Or I could cook big meals. But now I can't do those as I would like to or to the extent I would like too. At first that really bothered me. I was just like, 'Why can't I have some Heather time??' or 'Why does my baby want so much of my attention,while I see others play happily on the floor.' I finally come to grips with the fact that he is just a baby. He can't do anything himself. That is why God gave him to me,to take care of him. I am not only to take care of him spiritually,but physically. This goes beyond feeding,changing diapers,and bathing. I am to play with my baby when he desires, I am to hold my baby when he desires,and I am to comfort my baby when he desires. Those things are fun and I love doing them,but it definately doesn't leave time for Heather. So what do I do? I whine about it! I get mad because I can't do what I want too do. Well, today I was reading my Bible and just happen to turn to Galations. Oh. The book that mentions not being selfish and fleshly. Yeah, it was God's turn to train me if you will. I turned to this passage.

16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.
17 For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.
18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
24 And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.
Galations 5:22-26

Call that God or what? I thought, 'Oh. So that's for me, huh?' I heard God say, 'Yes, that's for you my dear.' I've been walking in the flesh. I've been fulfilling the lust of the flesh. Instead of being led by the Spirit,like I know to be, I let my flesh rise up and grow more than my Spirit. I also found these verses.

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10 As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.
Galations 6:7-10

'That too Lord?'
'Yes, that too my child.'

I have The Charles F. Stanley Life Principles Bible, that my wonderful husband and son got me for Mother's Day this year. I wanted to share some of his thoughts on Galation 5:22-23.

-They never feel afraid to admit their faults, yet they always remember they have within them the power to rise above their fleshly appetites and desires. (referring to those who truly walk in the Spirit.)
-They aren't given to us as goals to pursue because you and I cannot produce fruit. The Holy Spirit is the producer; we are merely the bearers. The fruit of the Spirit was never intended to demonstrate our dedication and resolve. Rather, it reveals our dependancy on and sensitivity to the promptings of the Spirit.


I also looked up the verse that talks about Jesus coming to be served,not to serve. 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:28 I am a servant. Not just to God,but to my son. Daniel is not to serve me,he's a baby. Per say I'm to serve him. I'm to play with him,comfort him,and hold him when he desires. Instead of being more worried about everything being spotless or my reading,I need to be serving my son. He desires my attention. He gets so excited when I go to play with him. Father, help me not walk in the flesh so much and not to be selfish. I want my son to continue to love seeing me walk in a room or want me to hold him. Let me have the mind of Christ.


For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
Mark 10:45

struggles

This is going to be an open,honest,raw entry. I don't do those much. I just don't feel like posting them on bloop. So I'll use this for this type of thing also.

Does anyone else struggle with wondering why somethings are the way they are? I do sometimes and it just gets to me. I read about other couples who can go on vacations,buy this or buy that,and can do things we just simply cannot. I'd love to be able to go on mini vacations with my husband and son. I would love to be able to live in a house or nicer apartment. I would love to be able to go buy really nice things for Daniel. I'd love to have Daniel a nursery and room of his own. I'd love to be able to just load up and take trips with no thought of where the money would come from. I have sort of come to grips that we may never have "extra" money. Mike says for me not to think that way. But do you think sometimes that is God's will for ones live? To not have those types of things ever.

I don't just want to do the above things. I'd love to be able to give my parents money when they are struggling. I'd love to be able to give more money to ministries and missionaries. We know several missionaries that need support finanacially. I just don't understand. It's like everytime we get on our feet,something knocks us back off. It is really discouraging. I'd also love to be able to buy my husband things he desires. I don't get jealous in the sense that I hate that person kind of way. It's just I think why can't that be us? Why can't we have "extra" money? We tithe how we should and we try to give money when we have it to other causes. It's just rare. We don't have many bills,but it seems our money goes quickly each check. I dream of a lot of things,but I don't think they will ever happen. I guess I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do realize that I am blessed. I am blessed to have a loving family and in-laws. I am blessed to have a loving husband and a precious son. I know I have a roof over my head,clothes on my back,and plenty of food in my pantry. I am blessed to not have any kind of illness or disease. I am blessed that my husband nor my son has any illness or disease either. So it's not like I feel I could have a better life. I just struggle with not having the money to do the things I talked about. Is that wrong? I hope not. I rarely talk about my struggles. It's just hard too. It's hard too because I know I am blessed in other areas. I guess I'm just being human and carnal. We all are. I just feel I need to be strong for family and friends. I feel sometimes,as if, I have to not let peole see me when I'm discouraged or struggling. I don't know why I'm this way,but it only gets worse with age. So here I am being raw and real. I struggle. I'm human. I just need to not set my eyes on the things of this earth as Colossians 3:1-2 says.