being open

I love being able to record Beth Moore on Wednesdays and watch her! She really is an awesome servant of the Lord! I've always loved hearing her and reading her books/studies. This past week she was talking about the confidence we have through Christ. I can't remember the scripture she used right off hand,but it was good. She talked about loosing confidence in yourself through Christ. She said it can happen for various reasons to anyone. I believe that is what is going on with me. I have no confidence in myself anymore. I don't know if that goes along with being Mommy all over again to a newborn or what? It's like I feel vulnerable,if that makes sense. Maybe it's my hormones or something adding to it. I just don't think I can do anything right. It's hard to describe,but I know that message was for me. Now, she said you have to demand it back. She talked about once when she lost confidence in herself and finally realized it. She said that she demanded it back in Jesus name and told the devil to leave her alone. Honestly, I know to do that,but I just feel weak and trampled.

It's time like this I wish I was back at Riverside and things were like they used to be,having friends around to support and encourage me. It's really hard to open up about this b/c I don't like to be a downer. I like to encourage,but I don't think I've done that in quiet some time. I used to say that was my gift,but it's not been used in quiet some time. My life overall is very happy and I'm very blessed,but it seems I have lost the joy I used to have. How do I get it back? I would say spend more time in prayer and alone with God. I would cut off my arm for that,but it seems like I can't get it. I love my children,but doing it partially alone is overbearing sometimes. Mike helps a lot,when he is home. His job is very demanding also. Among the nursing career,Law Enforcement has the 2nd highest divorce rate. It's very stressful and demanding. So when he has to go to work I let him sleep in and rest. He does the same for me when he can. So I am here a lot by myself with no family near to help. We don't live that far,but 45 minutes is far enough. I stay tired and sleepy just about every single day. Some days I'm so irritable b/c of it too. I hate it. I know it is hard for all parents,but I feel it is a little harder for us. Maybe I'm wrong or deceived? God is using Mike at his job,but I just wish sometimes he could use him elsewhere. We've talked about it numerous times too. I'm very proud of Mike and his job. He is courageous and a light to those around him on the job. Sometimes it's just hard to keep that in mind. I get bogged down and think about nothing but GOD please get us out of here. Out of the apartment,out of Mobile,out of Law Enforcement. I know life isn't easy and it's not supposed to be,I just need the attitude,confidence,and joy to bear it and deal with it.

I guess everyone gets to a point like this,more than once in their life. I'm drained. I'm exhausted. I'm just tired. Maybe it's a valley? I know in the valley there is water and green grass. I know I will make it through if I choose. I used to never understand the verses where Paul discussed being single and being able to devote more time to the Lord. I do understand it now,but I still would not trade being married and having children for it. I just have to realize serving my husband and children,is in itself serving God. Lord, HELP me to remember this and to know I am NOT failing You! I am serving You through my family! I really need to start back on my blog and get back to Thankful Thursdays and At the Well. Having positive things to read and get involved with would really help me I do believe. I would appreciate your prayers as I go through this season of life,that's what it is, a season. I'm not defeated,though I do feel defeated. God has the victory and this is a season. Seasons come and go,help me Lord to gain what YOU want me to from this season. Help my spiritual eyes to be opened to Your will and YOUR ways,not my own. Help me Lord, to realize You are over all my life and from YOU only comes from joy. Joy presses through circumstances,when happiness fades away. You are my joy, you are my strength! You have not forsaken me and you have not left me. You are wanting to carry through this. A soul only stays joyless on their own account. Help me to see all my blessings and to see I have to choose this day whom I will serve, You or myself. Help me to DIE to my flesh! Help me to rid myself of this nasty flesh that longs for MY ways and my time! It's all about You Jesus and all this is for you, for your glory and your fame. It's not about me Jesus, as if you should do things my way, You alone are God and I surrender to YOUR ways!!!