time to get real and raw

I rarely write about what I struggle with. I blame it on not wanting to look ungrateful to others or because they may want what I have,but don't have it. I am very grateful for things in my life,but sometimes my life is hard,harder than what I think it should. And that goes back to my small mind-ness. Anyways. I'm just thinking tonight and felt like writing. It's so hard to be raw and open,but when I see some of you do it, it helps me.

My husband's job can be so stressful at times. It keeps him tired and with the new 8 hour days cutting into the used-to-be 3 or 4 off days. I've mentioned before that he is a Highway Patrolman,State Trooper, or State Police(some states call them). A lot of people really don't know what their jobs are like. They have one of the highest divorce rates and no I'm not even contemplating divorce,just stating the fact. Each department is run differently. When he first moved over here the scheduling wasn't so bad. After a year almost they switched them from 10 hour to 8 hour days. The hour part is good,but also with good comes the bad. He used to have 3 or 4 days off,but now it's 1 or 2 days off. Without Daniel it wasn't as bad,but now it's bad. Some days I'm just so sick of his job and others I'm not. God uses him at his job though. I know God has us in this field for a purpose,but it's still hard sometimes. I just long for the day when we are doing something more productive,or what I think is more productive. And the *I* word can get ya in lots of trouble,so that's why I have to remind myself that God is working and has our future mapped out how HE wants it. I am assured of that because of what Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Law Enforcement families truly do go through a lot and sacrifice a lot. It's too sad most are looked at as jerks. They're human like everyone else. They can be rude or jerky at times,but it's like with Christians,they're not all that way. It's a very dangerous job too,very. Mike loves it though. I am very proud of his job and how he conducts himself,but it can just be tiring. Much like I've heard many say full time ministry can be.

We still struggle with money. I'm not sure what we're doing wrong. It's not too much of an issue because we both were not rich by any means growing up. Of course there are times that I wish I could do more,but it's not something I am stressed over. I know it does bother Mike though. I know he doesn't provide for me like he wishes he could. I have no complaints though. We have a home,food,clothes,and we get to spend on somethings we want. This has become our life verse, But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This I know most of you can relate too and for those who cannot, this is why I do not like to talk about it. I don't want to sound ungrateful at all. It is really tough being a Mother. Wow. I never knew it would be this tough. Then again I talk to some Moms and it's a breeze for them. Daniel is a high needs child. It's not a disorder or anything like that. Dr. Sears explains it like this: They need more attention from parents,more guidance in play,more of everything,but sleep that is. Wow, when I read that sentence I was relieved that there are other babies like Daniel Paul. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. When I was around my nieces at Daniel's age, they were nothing like this and that's all I had to compare too. He's a live wire. I'm constantly on the go. He doesn't like to be still for half a second. ha! My Mother said I was the exact same way. Of course he hasn't always been that way,but once he hit about 7 months wow. Life really changed. I love him so much! I am not complaining,just admitting that I struggle. Sometimes I just don't know how to handle him or how to just wind him down. Thankfully, he's started to go to bed at a decent hour,wakes up throughout the night,but that's normal. Some days it's all I can do to eat,shower,and brush my teeth. Though I know I am doing a lot of things that my SIL didn't do and even my sister isn't doing that is looked at more sacrificial on my part. I'll do anything for that child though. I guess all first time Moms just feel overwhelmed and not really confident all the time,or maybe just all Moms do?

Then it's the big one. I'm scared out of my wits to have another baby. Can I handle the pain again? Can I handle another child? I'm going to attempt a VBAC. I say attempt because that's all I can do. I can't control birth,I tried that with Daniel and well it didn't work too well. God knows what will happen and that's all I can put my trust in. But I'm such a wimp and all. It was only God I made it through 42 hours of labor! I quoted scripture over and over. Particularly, 2 because well that's all my mouth could get out ha! Those contractions were pretty intense. I'm just scared. I guess all women are. I talk to some who are not scared at all and are so confident. The lady who was my Doula has 7 kids and she's open to more always. I love watching big families,but I stress too quickly. I flip out too fast. We are by no means stopping anything God wants. I'm not on birth control (the medication) and well we get intimate when we want too pretty much. I try to chart my fertility because I would like to know when I'm fertile and ovulate,but we don't not get intimate because I may be fertile. Sorry TMI! I'm just scared. I don't want another C-section,it's safer for me not to have another one. I'm reading a great book about VBAC deliveries and it is helping,but I am still scared.

So there ya go. Some stuff I am thinking about right now or pretty lately. I know God knows this all and He has it all in His hands. Thankfully, throughout my pregnancy God taught me to really trust Him with all things. It was so hard,but I learned a little bit and am still learning. So just keep me and us in your prayers. God Bless!