living out ou convictions and more

I am just loving the cool Fall weather here! I'm so glad it's been this way and will continue until weather. It's so nice during the days and nights. I even bought some hot cocoa mix with peppermint in it the other day!! I've been still just trying to adjust to 2 children under the age of 2,wow, it's hard. I know it's hard to an extent for every family,but I really don't feel like I'm cut out for it. I get so mad at Daniel some days,I don't do good on lack of sleep,and I just feel selfish sometimes. That is when I am reminded that if I was wonderful at it I wouldn't have to call on my Lord for His help,so maybe I am cut out for it. I used to think being close to the Lord meant you had to read your Bible everyday and if you didn't it angered Him. Or you had to pray so many hours a day or you just weren't ready for the day or good enough. Now, I'm not saying we don't need to attempt to read our Bible everyday and pray for more than 10 minutes,but I have been learning it's also about living out your convictions.The days we get to read the Bible a lot and pray a lot should prepare us for days we do not get to for some reason. Wow, when I was a Mother of 1 it was hard to do both and now with 2 children it seems nearly impossible.

Really through my 2 pregnancies and births I have saw some things in a new light. I've been wanting to write about them just haven't had the chance and all. I hope the above makes sense.. ? I'll elaborate some. I've always said non-believers in Jesus Christ do not want to be a part of the believers because they don't appear to be much different. Sure they go to church every time the door is open (not saying that is bad at all I actually do miss going all the time) and don't partake in somethings that non-believers do partake in. But is that enough? Really, are those 2 things enough? I do not believe it is enough to win over those who have been scorned or hurt by the Body of Christ. I believe we have to have strong convictions and live them out for those to see we really are different. Some people thought I was being stubborn or I was crazy for not having any pain medication,not vaxing my children,not taking them to any well check ups,and other things we did not do. But I felt very strongly convicted to do what we did and we stuck to it all (within reason of the 2 c/s which I did not plan).Side note: I'm not saying everyone has to do what we did either,lots don't and it doesn't make them not Christians. I could have chose to give in for certain things because family or friends pressured me or questioned me or even made fun of me. We didn't though,we went on with what we felt like God had for our family. To me, that is living out convictions-just one example it may not be a good one I thought it was though. These convictions aren't specifically addressed in the Bible per say,but I feel strongly it is the right way. I believe living out your convictions is very important. Those that are just tossed to and fro on whatever whim that is out there are no different than those who are lost souls. But when the lost souls see people who believe in something strong enough to stick to it then a lot of doors will open for ministry.

I feel a lot better mentally and physically. Goodness last week when I was sick it was bad. I was so defeated in my mind about being able to do it all with Mike being gone to work. I just did not think I could do it. I can do it,but it won't be without challenges. I know that life is full of challenges and there is nothing to do about it,but take them on. It's not been too bad with Mike at work,grant it, it's not running as smoothly as I would like,but it's only been a month since Aaron has been here. So I do know things will get more routine like and better,but not without it's rough spots. The Deplin seemed to help with my incision really. I just kept telling Mike I want my body to be normal again and I thought it never would be. I don't think my body will ever feel really normal,maybe it will,I don't know. But the Deplin has helped the incision to feel different,as in better. I started taking gummy vitamins and Echinacea ( I can never remember how to spell it) too. It's helped me feel better all around. Daniel is doing a lot better,I'm so glad. I really thought we had lost our little boy due to lack of discipline and everything combined. He is listening better than he was and isn't so jealous. Well, he isn't of Aaron and I,but boy he doesn't like Mike to hold Aaron at all. Daniel is going through a transition too I've noticed. He needs Mike way more than he needs me right now and I've heard that is normal for his age. Children need a strong,stable,loving male in their life I believe and that's how I believe God intends for families to be, a Mother and a Father. He is really clinging to Mike. Children need and want boundaries and limits,they make them feel secure. Without them they feel out of control I believe and not secure. Daniel still has a long way to go,but he is doing better than he was. He is very strong willed,demanding,high need,and high strung. Aaron seems so different already. He is very laid back and loves to sleep or cuddle. He wants to be fed,changed,put to sleep,and left alone. He does like to be held,I think most babies do at this age, but he will go to sleep on his own. He just seems very laid back. I know he'll probably go through a period where he is bouncing off the walls,but that's kids for you. God knew what we needed this time. I can leave Aaron in his swing and not feel bad since he isn't crying that way I can cook or tend to Daniel also. I can't stand to hear babies cry,not just mine.

I think I would love Mike having a regular job shift,like a day or night time shift. I think it would be much easier to have a steady shift instead of the sporadic ones. But tis life for now. It's just really hard at times because Mike has to get enough sleep so he is alert on his job. I never thought a Law Officer's life was this way,but I found out otherwise. With that said, I am proud of what he does,it can just be frustrating,as every job is at times.

Oh and some scary things have been happening here at the apartment. Last week 2 black guys knocked on our door,but Mike didn't get to it until they had went downstairs to another apartment. Well, he saw them and asked what they were doing here. They made up story about being students at the local University near by and were doing a survey. He told them the landlord didn't want them on site and they had to leave,they replied with why and where is she? He told them to leave or else. Well, 10 minutes later he heard them knocking on another door in the complex,so he went outside again to talk to them. This time he told them he was the courtesy officer and they had to go now. They said they were sorry and hit the road. Come to find out they had robbed a Checker's the day before. Horrific,really. A few days later a guy was reported looking through cars and checking the door handles in building A. A few days after that we were leaving to go get milk and I saw 2 black guys on bicycles going near our building. They proceeded to ride on the grass (where we take Daniel out to play) and go to the back of the building. I told Mike and he put his gun on and went to talk to them. He told them they had to leave and they asked why and said they thought there was a trail back there. (Oh and there is a trail,mostly used by criminals running from the police. It leads from a neighborhood that is pretty violent and comes right to the back of our building.) He told them there wasn't and they needed to leave. They started cussing at him. He then turned into Trooper mode. He didn't cuss at them,but he wasn't very nice either. We found out one day earlier they had knocked on our ederly neighbors door saying their battery died and needed some money. Mr. Joe is an ex marine and well he didn't buy it. It's sad now days you can't trust people really. I don't answer the door at night at all and during the day unless you are Mr. Joe,Ms. T, or Mr. & Mrs. Willie I do not answer. So be praying for our safety. Mike is pretty mad about it and I don't want him to do anything extreme,but then again if it'll keep us safe then so be it.

Alright I better go. I let Aaron take a nap while Daniel and I played. He likes to sit in a chair by me while I get on here,so he's been doing that. I'm fixing to wake Aaron up for the afternoon Thanks

some recent pictures of our family

We are doing great! Daniel and Aaron are both growing! Aaron is now back up to his birth weight only 2 weeks after he was born. He's 9lbs 11oz as of today! Daniel is adjusting a lot better this week. He really is growing up! He'll be 22 months on the 26th of this month and Aaron will be a month on the 23rd. I've been recovering great too! I don't even feel like I had a baby 2 weeks ago today, by a c-section. I'm so thankful to God for his healing touch. We are adjusting to a family of 4,it's not too bad. Aaron sleeps a lot and only wakes to be changed or eat. Daniel is still very energetic and high strung,but he is still fun. I miss him in a lot of ways,but I love Aaron so much too! I just wanted to pop my head in and post some pictures. I don't know how many of you still even look at my blog,but for what it's worth, here are some pictures! God Bless!

We are doing great! Daniel and Aaron are both growing! Aaron is now back up to his birth weight only 2 weeks after he was born. He's 9lbs 11oz as of today! Daniel is adjusting a lot better this week. He really is growing up! He'll be 22 months on the 26th of this month and Aaron will be a month on the 23rd. I've been recovering great too! I don't even feel like I had a baby 2 weeks ago today, by a c-section. I'm so thankful to God for his healing touch. We are adjusting to a family of 4,it's not too bad. Aaron sleeps a lot and only wakes to be changed or eat. Daniel is still very energetic and high strung,but he is still fun. I miss him in a lot of ways,but I love Aaron so much too! I just wanted to pop my head in and post some pictures. I don't know how many of you still even look at my blog,but for what it's worth, here are some pictures! God Bless!

Michael Aaron is here!

Thursday I started having contractions early in the morning around 3 that were getting a pattern to them. For the last few days it had been off and on with contractions,but nothing staying consistent at all. I had an appointment with Cindy that morning at 10 and was hoping something would start happening soon! I just was ready to start labor and have my Aaron here! When Cindy checked me she said I was at 2 cnm and very soft. She said it won't be long and she expected him by the weekend! Contractions were getting stronger and more consistent too. When we got home I ate a good meal and tried to lay down. I could't sleep or lay through the contractions though. So I got in the shower and then I let Tammy know I wanted her to come down that afternoon. I was so hungry too,I think I ate like 5 different small meals before 7 that night! I was drinking so much water that I was peeing so much too. It was very different from my labor with Daniel. I think Tammy checked me around 5 or so and I was at 5 cnm and Aaron was still looking to my right. The contractions really started coming on then. Wow. I definitely remembered what they felt like and that these were the real thing. The back labor was horrible. Tammy and Mike would put pressure on my back during them and I just breathed through them. It was bad though. Daniel was playing and not paying me-in pain- any attention. We let Robyn know we would need her that night and to be ready to come. No position really helped with the contractions. I would just lean over the bar and they would press on my back while I breathed through them and prayed God please help me. I think it was around 9 that Tammy checked me again and I was at 7 cnm with a good size bag of water. I was starting to get chills by this time and Tammy said to let Robyn know to come on down so we could get going to the hospital. So we got the last minute things together and Daniel was asleep by now. I just don't remember how he got there,I know Mike did it,but I was so focused I can't remember even now. Oh the contractions were getting harder and harder. Robyn made it there by 10 and we ended up leaving about 11 or so. Thank goodness the ride there wasn't that bad and that we live like 15 minutes from USA. They got me right in a room and Cindy was on her way too. I got changed and they had me signing different things and going over my birth plan. Our nurse,Mary Ellen, was great too! She came in once when I was in labor with Daniel I remember. They didn't do an immediate IV,but whatever that is they put in your hand so in case they need one for emergency. By this time I was beginning to vocalize and internalize. It was really weird too. Cindy made it in like 20-30 minutes,she lives about 30-40 minutes from USA. She told us she knew we'd be coming back so she took a nap and filled up her gas tank. A little later she wanted to check me and see how things were. I was at like 8 cnm,but some cervix was still in the way they kept saying. He had turned back completely posterior too. I don't remember everything from this point. I was very focused on contractions and just making it through them. I'm telling you if women did remember the pain of them I don't think the world would be populated as much. They hurt so bad. Cindy checked again sometime and broke my water by accident. Wow, I had a lot too. After that happened, it took like 45 minutes and I started having strong urges to push. They would check me during that and it actually didn't feel too bad. Some cervix was still in the way,but they thought getting me in different positions would help it move and Aaron to come down more. They could actually see his head and that he had dark hair! I was so excited and just knew I was going to have him soon! So I got on the birthing stool some,squatted some,did hands and elbows on the bed,and walked some. MY goodness the urge to push was crazy. I never had that sort of urge with Daniel. I was feeling pressure from his head too somewhere. When they told me to get on my hands and elbows or chest I told them I just can't do that. Well, I did with their help,but my gosh it was hard. They had to put pressure on my back too,it was so painful. I then laid on my back and pulled my knees up so they could check me. All 3 of them did,but the cervix just wasn't moving. They all really thought I would have him vaginally,you could hear it in their voice and see it on their face. Tammy told me once, "Heather, you'll have Aaron in your arms soon." I thought thank God,this hurts! I pushed for about 2 hours I think. I was starting to swell down there,but not to the point of danger. Mike was doing great too. He kept encouraging me,but it was very hard for him to see me in that sort of pain. They let him see Aaron's head and he was amazed. But he said he thought they were going to kill me when they were checking me trying to figure out why the cervix wouldn't move. When they figured out he just wasn't coming they got another nurse to come in and check me. Tammy told me I'm so sorry Heather,but your pubic bone is flat he isn't going to come out with his size and position. I mean what else was there to do? I had labored almost 10 hours hard. Cindy suggested 2 things: We could try an epi so I could rest some and mabye he would turn or we could just go with a c/s. They both said there was no promising he would turn and it would work,but we could try. So Cindy and Mary Ellen left the room,while Tammy stayed in there with us. I wanted to cry so bad,but I was hurting so bad and pushing so hard I couldn't. I thought all my labor and hard work,but not the outcome again I wanted and really everyone expected this time. Tammy and Cindy got pretty emotional when they were telling me that we had to do one of the two options. The whole time there they kept telling me how good I was doing and how I was a great laboring woman. Like I said up till about 3 or 4 they had no clue it wasn't going to work vaginally. It was pretty much a shock to them all I think and upsetting. Mike said he would rather go with the c/s and Tammy said she thought that would be best. I thought about it and I didn't want to continue to push and damage myself (I had no clue at the time my uterus was torn to pieces) only to end up with a c/s,but not be awake. So I said let's get a spinal and do the c/s. I knew I had done all I could do,I really did. Why it did not work out I have no clue. I have asked God and no answer,I may never get one. But I can feel good that I did try and I stuck with my convictions even though it hurt like heck. I would do it all over again too,even knowing the outcome. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. Once I made that decision I wanted relief and I wanted it now. I didn't get mean,but I kept asking when they were going to stop the pain. Finally, about 30 minutes later they got me to the surgery room. Those contractions were right on top of each other too,I know I scared some people. I wasn't screaming,but I was moaning and trying to just make it. Thankfully, they got the spinal block taken care of and got surgery started. I was a lot more alert this time and I was scared too. I hated the thought of them cutting me open,through 5 layers of tissue. Tammy was in there with us. She was my "sister" for the time being. Mike was right there with me too. The guy who did the spinal was funny and kept me laughing a lot. I realized I was tired,but I never went to sleep,it wasn't like it was with Daniel. Then, I heard a cry and I knew my baby was okay! They all told me I had a linebacker! I knew he was big,but not sure how big. He was 9 lbs 10 oz and 22 inches long. Not eating sweets and drinking sodas constantly didn't help him,but it sure helped me! I think I'll just have big babies,which is fine with me,as long as they are healthy! It took them awhile to sew me back up. I did remember with Daniel it went faster,so I was praying nothing was wrong. The head Dr. doing the surgery,Dr. Brooks, ticked me off too. She asked us if we were planning on having more children? I thought that's an odd question. We told her we weren't sure,but ultimately God was the only one who knew. She said, "If you do,you need to come in at 39 weeks for a scheduled c/s and do not labor at all." I told her I would do it all over again just the same. She then said "Don't do it while I'm here then." Okay,how rude. She didn't say anything about why she said that obviously I guess they have to wait till later? They finally finished with the surgery and moved me to the recovery room. I got to see Aaron while they were sewing me up. He looked just like Daniel did,it was unreal!! He was definitely a chunk too! He was hungry too,I kept telling him that Momma was going to feed him. Once we got to the recovery room,Cindy and Tammy finally got him latched on. He fed for an hour and 15 minutes! The downhill slide started here. I'll stop here and continue with another entry on the stay and days following. I am very glad the interventions are available,but I did not think I would need it this time. God has been healing me and I'll talk about that too. I'm glad Aaron got the benefit of labor and wasn't rushed off to have oxygen b/c of meds I put in my body. He was perfect when he came out,with a perfect color. I know I did my best and God has reasons for some things. Like I told Him the other day, the only thing I can say is this is for Your Glory,though I do not understand. It's been very emotional mentally,almost more than I could handle. Without Mike and Tammy being able to talk with I would be a basket case. I may never know why I could not vaginally birth my 2 boys though I feel it is the best way and the way God intended. All I can do is say okay God You know best and bring glory to Yourself through this. How will He? I have no clue. Maybe I can minister to women who want a vaginal birth,but don't get them. I do know I am thankful I have Aaron here and he is very healthy. I love Daniel and Aaron so much and I would do both labors all over again just for them. Like one song says, "I don't understand Your ways,but oh I will give You my pain. Cause with it You are drawing me closer,drawing me into Your ways."